Thus I declare 2013 the year that I apply for a project grant.
I don’t make resolutions, certainly not at the arbitrary moment of switching up the big numbers on the calendar, so please don’t take this declaration as such. This is actually a Christmas gift to myself. Resolutions are fine things and can give people a sense of renewal and hope. I prefer slower and less-hyped methods of procuring those sensations.
Perhaps it’s because I like the rhythm of academia that I’ve spent the majority of my life as a student, or that I’m a terrible procrastinator; but I like having projects with end dates. Deadlines motivate me to seek out solutions, to keep pushing whatever project I’m working on, and give me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when I meet them, even when I feel I haven’t worked to the best of my ability. I’ve had a project sitting in the back of my mind for a while, and I need money I don’t have to bring it to fruition. Thus, applying for a grant has two major benefits: one, that it will provide me with the funding I need to see this project through; and two, that it will provide solid deadlines for me to meet.
Since wrapping up the PAN residency, I’ve been floundering around, not finishing anything and making pathetic little half-hearted forays into new ideas. I’m sure you’ve noticed a dramatic decline in regular posts here. It doesn’t help that there are also some issues that are up-in-the-air regarding my jobs, issues that I have no agency to affect in any way; it has contributed to a paralytic feeling of disquiet. This actually surprises me, because I’ve never been a person who conflates my identity or self-worth with whatever job(s) I have.
I have plenty of time, or what I think is plenty of time, to begin developing my grant application. It will be the background noise that adds flavor and drive to whatever I’m applying myself toward this year. It’s also the first time I’ll be applying for an individual grant. It’s an exciting prospect, and I hope that my idea is deemed worthy of public funding.
I hope you, readers, have exciting things to work toward this year as well.